Happy cats make for happy homes

 
adolescence Alabama beliefs blogging calm change Chicago crisis crushes dreams family fear flint hills food friends happiness health being a hippie holiday home internship kids loss love magic memories money music parties perfection plants projects relationships relaxation reminiscing ritual school social work issues spirits sports stress style the South violence weather weather worries writing

CURRENT MOON

 

Go now. Go.


There’s something about Sunday night
that really makes you want to kill yourself
Subscribe to this blog
for e-mail updates
 

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ups and downs

There are times when I feel like I'm settling in, and others when I think I'm hopelessly flailing.

Occasionally, I feel like I have a handle on school, but that really means I start studying right when I get home, or after dinner, without even thinking about it, or wishing I could instead goof off or relax. I just do it. And I adore my internship. Getting up at 5:30 a.m. is less difficult on the days when I can go there instead of class. I got to do my first psychosocial assessment yesterday, and it was a little nerve-wracking, but also eye-opening in how not difficult it was, because hey! I've been doing social work for the past two years. I'm back in familiar territory (albeit with a different population and responsibilities). And I'm already scheming to work there after I graduate.

And then at other times, I sit in class and I feel so incredibly stupid. Like I've lost--or never had--any critical thinking skills, or reading comprehension, or even the ability to talk like I'm halfway intelligent. I've always struggled with the plainspeak towards which I'm naturally inclined versus the "grad school" lingo that my peers seem to slip into like it is second nature.

I know logically that I am/can be/will be very very good at rolling up my sleeves and actually doing social work, but the classes are doing a number on my self-esteem. What's hard is that everyone who knows me assumes that I will be just fine, or do spectacularly well. I thought that grad school would nurture a writer and thinker like me, but every class grades on participation in discussion, and my mind works slower than that.

Surely I can't be the only one feeling lonely and lost in my class, but it's hard to look past my own insecurities, or even admit them to my classmates. One of my classmates whom I'd like to make my new best friend, she's quite possibly the most articulate person I've ever met. And it's no good trying to start a friendship feeling highly inferior.

Labels:

1 Comments:

Blogger Lesley said...

"What's hard is that everyone who knows me assumes that I will be just fine, or do spectacularly well. I thought that grad school would nurture a writer and thinker like me, but every class grades on participation in discussion, and my mind works slower than that."

I so understand this feeling. I am not a discussion-oriented person b/c I prefer having the time to think and THEN respond. It's okay -- often the people who are quick to jump into discussion wish they could just be still and think a bit more. It all evens out.... chances are, the person whom you think is the most articulate is thinking the very same things about you!

7:44 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

 
This page is powered by Blogger.
Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com