Last day of work, and it was pretty overwhelming. One, for having to get everything wrapped up, no loose ends, and two, for the response everyone had to my departure. Usually a going away merits a departmental lunch, but mine included people from across the agency. And we went to Shogun, which is not particularly my favorite place to get sushi in the world, but considering all my co-workers used to wrinkle their nose at anything I brought in for my lunch, I thought it was a sweet gesture.

And a big basket of presents, some lovely and some well-intentioned. Somewhere in the middle of all of this--and then later my exit interview--it occurred to me that these people really liked me.

It's odd to be in a position like that. Does that sound strange? I guess I'm not used to people showing me that they like me. People are more effusive in the south.

I think I've been the obstinate, difficult sibling my whole life so I expect that people are always going to react to me in comparison to my sweet, personable sister. I guess it's pretty childish to still fall into that pattern of behavior. So maybe it was a pretty stupid realization to discover that I'm nice and sweet on my own, as an individual. But still, it was pretty cool.

I haven't really processed how I feel about work yet. I left no holds barred during my exit interview, and I left feeling slightly sick. Even though I feel like HR needs to know what's going on in my department, to actually say it all outloud feels like tattling, or gossiping. No matter how frustrated or upset I can get, to complain always makes me feel like a lesser, despicable person. And for the past two months, I've had a daily countdown, and then suddenly it's here, and over, and I emerged from the day with a throbbing headache and my body was racing like I had downed several shots of espresso.

I don't know. I feel like things are all rushed right now with ending work and getting the apartment packed up, and arranging things in Chicago so I'm not going to have the time to contemplate on my feelings about the job, and leaving it. Which means I'll probably never resolve the conflicting emotions I have/had about it. But I guess that's really the way most things go in life. One thing ends, another begins, and you're always moving forward.