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There’s something about Sunday night
that really makes you want to kill yourself
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Monday, January 02, 2006


So I was ready to kill my mother after spending two days in a row with her.

Sometimes I don't understand how Tim can get so angry that he needs to punch something in order to release the stress.

But I forgot what family can do to you.

It wasn't until she was back home and I was packing to get on the plane, though, that we talked about it. "So your sister says you're mad at me because I told you to [do X]" is kind of a stressful thing to hear at the beginning of a conversation.

But ultimately the only way to bring up an important conversation, I guess.

It did give me a chance to say what was on my mind ("No, it's not specifically that you made sure I thanked Busia for dinner, it's that that instance is an example of how you still try to tell me what to do" sounds kind of petty, like childish whining, but it's difficult to explain how deeply it bothers me.)

I have not yet addressed the fact that she doesn't really listen to me (she asked me about ten times to tell her about my visit to UIC, so by the tenth time--when she actually was listening--I almost exploded), but considering she was listening and being extraordinarily receptive to some of the hard things I was saying, I didn't want to push it.

("Mom, you know how you always complain about Busia? I don't want that to be me.")

The thing I'm most scared of, though, is that I know our relationship is a vicious circle. She initially thought I was entirely blaming her for our bad relationship, for telling me to thank my grandmother like I didn't know better. I tried to make it clear that we're both at fault. (She treats me like I'm ten, so I act like it. How do we stop that?) The hard part for me is that while I think it's a positive step (and it is) for me to be able to talk to her about this, what about when she needs to talk to me about my part in all of it? When she needs to call me on whatever bullshit, reverting back to old behavior patterns, I might do?

I'm getting all self-congratulatory because my communication skills have improved to the point that I can discuss some serious things with family, yet I don't think they're far enough along that I can also accept some criticism from them.

I guess that's a 2006 goal.

At any rate, it feels gooood to be able to talk about this. During the conversation, mom was upset and wondered if we could even change our relationship dynamic. But then she said, "But if we can't talk about this, then our relationship is doomed."

Man, it was so awesome to have that talk.


Blogger tablefor4 said...

Hi, my name is Alexis..and I MUST first say, that your blog is WONDERFUL. I LOVE the design. The other thing is I can totally relate to your talking to your mom, and being glad in one sense that you did, and then in another it's like..what the hell was THAT about? I think as I get older, our relationship is less strained, although we have our moments. She thinks in many ways, that I ruined my life forever and damaged everyone around me. Well, we all have our own opinion. I'll add your blog to my favorites. :-)

1:29 PM  

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