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Friday, May 26, 2006

Fresh new hell

What fresh new hell is this?

I know the past two weeks have been evenly broken up by a camping trip and a day on the gulf beach, but I scarcely remember it. I don't even remember what happened the first week, or how I got through this week. Each day I barely had time to give more than a cursory glance to e-mail, then the day was filled with body-crunching stress, and my evenings melted into one drink after another to settle my nerves.

I had a moral quandry to relay from last week, yet all I remember now is that I was in one--not actually what it was. It has been replaced with a new one from this week.

My heart hurts a lot. I had the opportunity this week to receive a summons at a late hour (at which I should have been asleep) to deal with suicidal tendancies. Sometimes I revel in crises, because I am electrified by purpose. It feels like winning the Nobel prize to me, knowing how to handle a crisis.

And then sometimes crises don't have answers. They just exist. And nothing can be done. I try and I try and I try. I'm doing everything I can, and I can't fix it. I can't even moderately help it. Because nothing can be done. Nothing. Not even when you are holding someone's future in your hands, and they are pleading with you to not fuck it up.

And how does it always happen on the day that your boss says, "Leave early! It's a holiday!" that's the exact day you absolutely cannot leave anywhere near your regular quitting time?

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Blogger junkyardlove said...

ellie, I don't know what is going on, but I am thinking of you and holding you in prayers right now. Lots of love.

6:08 AM  

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