Happy cats make for happy homes

adolescence Alabama beliefs blogging calm change Chicago crisis crushes dreams family fear flint hills food friends happiness health being a hippie holiday home internship kids loss love magic memories money music parties perfection plants projects relationships relaxation reminiscing ritual school social work issues spirits sports stress style the South violence weather weather worries writing



Go now. Go.

There’s something about Sunday night
that really makes you want to kill yourself
Subscribe to this blog
for e-mail updates

Friday, May 06, 2005

Last night before falling asleep, I talked about my depression like it was a third person in bed with us. And when I thought about it for a while, I realized that's exactly what it is. At this point, it seems to function as its own living, breathing entity.

I am gaining surface happy, but it's still there. I spent two days bonding with co-workers, getting drunk on margeritas (on the way back to the hotel after dinner, the head supervisor bought a 6-pack of Coors Light at a Racetrack, and she and a co-worker cracked them open in the backseat), watching Girlfriends and swapping storylines with my direct supervisor, and talking about race relations with a black co-worker. I felt happy, comfortable, and excited to be there. And yet, the depression still exists.

Today, I chatted with the volunteer coordinator over lunch, and we planned to play tennis together one day--after I take a few more lessons, and brainstormed cool outreach activities our agency could sponsor. I came back more sated with conversation than food, and excited about all the possibilities our talk had opened up. And still, I am trailed by a dark, lurking shadow.

I've never let it get to the point where it was living on its own before. I am the poster child for therapy. I am a counselor. (Er, sort of.) I generally make an appointment as soon as I realize it's more than a bad day or two. But then again, I used to have good insurance. Now I've got to save up for the visits. But it feels like a big relief to finally have scheduled an appointment, never mind that it's a month away.


Blogger Alvin Hotchkins said...

I admire people that do the work you do. Keep going strong. I'm sure you're a source of comfort to many. It's not easy being in that position, I'm sure.

4:04 PM  
Blogger metrogeekboy said...

Hey L, sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I guess we have tickets on the same carnival cruise of MDE. I know exactly what you mean about having all those ducks lined up just like you thought you needed them and still feeling like every breath is a challenge. Thanks for having the courage to write about it some when you're having a bad time. Hopefully it helps you, because your writing sure does help me a ton.
love, J

8:12 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger.
Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com