A tangle in the brain

My brain has been knotted up lately over something, and I'm not really to articulate it yet, but it's not going away.

How do you deal when for years you've believed one thing, held one aspect of a belief--subjectively and objectively speaking the right side to take--and then one day, you suddenly have a different feeling about it, one that just doesn't seem right, or PC, or proper, but you still have changed your mind, regardless of how wrong or guilty that makes you feel? How do you regain your equilibrium?

Jobs jobs jobs

Before school, when I was just preparing, I felt aimless because I wasn't working any longer. While it was hard not bringing in any income, it was even harder to feel like I didn't have any purpose (starting school in a month, a week, a few days didn't strike me, at the time, as purpose).

And then I started, and though I became overwhelmed with the courseloads, it seemed like most of my classmates had jobs. It seems like the schedule is very accomodating (to a degree) having a part-time job.

So I got two.

I'm going back to the shelter, to do overnights again, on Tuesdays. I remember what vivid nightmares I had there, sleeping on a Murphy bed a foot from an unsecured window that opened onto a creaky veranda. How I'd fall asleep by entertaining visions of an abuser tracking down his woman and breaking into the shelter through my window. One medium-strong kick would propel him right through. Or a recurring dream about locking the front door yet people opening it up and walking right through. After two years of working days at a shelter that felt like Fort Knox, it will be hard to feel safe in this environment again.

And yet. Going back there to fill out paperwork reminded me why I endured so long last time. Walking into the office fills me with peace. No matter what stressors are bothering me before work, no matter what kind of mayhem I might (and am likely to) encounter at the shelter, I feel like a weight has been lifted and my mind is clear when I am there.

My other job is tutoring once a week at a westside Chicago elementary school. Unluckily for them, they did not ask me if I was any good at it. I suspect I will not be. I tried to help at girl with her homework at my internship yesterday, and it was pretty pathetic. I did not know how to lead her to answer "In what city is the White House located?" after it was clear her little 3-page article on the government did not hold the key. (Because I'm pretty sure just telling her was not a good method. But my "Do you know who the first president was? . . . Do you think maybe they might have named a city after him?" was pretty ham-handed, and besides, the girl didn't know anyway.)

But I think it will be an interesting time. More experience working with kids, at any rate.

Ups and downs

There are times when I feel like I'm settling in, and others when I think I'm hopelessly flailing.

Occasionally, I feel like I have a handle on school, but that really means I start studying right when I get home, or after dinner, without even thinking about it, or wishing I could instead goof off or relax. I just do it. And I adore my internship. Getting up at 5:30 a.m. is less difficult on the days when I can go there instead of class. I got to do my first psychosocial assessment yesterday, and it was a little nerve-wracking, but also eye-opening in how not difficult it was, because hey! I've been doing social work for the past two years. I'm back in familiar territory (albeit with a different population and responsibilities). And I'm already scheming to work there after I graduate.

And then at other times, I sit in class and I feel so incredibly stupid. Like I've lost--or never had--any critical thinking skills, or reading comprehension, or even the ability to talk like I'm halfway intelligent. I've always struggled with the plainspeak towards which I'm naturally inclined versus the "grad school" lingo that my peers seem to slip into like it is second nature.

I know logically that I am/can be/will be very very good at rolling up my sleeves and actually doing social work, but the classes are doing a number on my self-esteem. What's hard is that everyone who knows me assumes that I will be just fine, or do spectacularly well. I thought that grad school would nurture a writer and thinker like me, but every class grades on participation in discussion, and my mind works slower than that.

Surely I can't be the only one feeling lonely and lost in my class, but it's hard to look past my own insecurities, or even admit them to my classmates. One of my classmates whom I'd like to make my new best friend, she's quite possibly the most articulate person I've ever met. And it's no good trying to start a friendship feeling highly inferior.