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Thursday, February 03, 2005

The lost art of flirting

Tim and I talked last night about flirting, and sexual banter. I've never been much for the banter with my friends, but ever since I learned how to flirt, it's been my favorite thing. It's just so fun to do. Kind of affirming, a celebration of being alive.

Ok, maybe that's attempting to get too deep about it. But it can make me giddy, raise my spirits, remind me that I'm fun and cute. The best is when it's two people appreciating each other without misinterpreting the situation. And I think that, since getting married, I haven't figured out what the new appropriate behavior is. And I think my problem is that I believe it has to somehow change.

Yet, conversely, I don't have this idea that since suddenly I am a married woman, I am forbidden from appreciating other people than the husband. We are both open about the fact that not noticing other beauty is pretty impossible, and why cut ourselves off from the enjoyment of interactions with others?

I don't think it's something that Tim struggles with as much as me, because he needs those sparks and connections to castmates, to bring genuine emotion to whatever role he's playing. Unlike Angelina Jolie, though, he understands that fucking your co-star actually ruins the chemistry. He just needs that spark.

There's one man who works at my agency. One man out of about fifty women. He's the tech guy. And he's only on-site when there's a computer problem. I only see him every few weeks. He seems very nice, and he's surprisingly good looking for all the tech guys I've known. All the women in my office are friends with him, so he'll sit in the office when he's doing with the computers, chatting. I don't know if I'm just caught off-guard by seeing a man in a very female-centric place, or if maybe I am secretly attracted to him and feel uncomfortable with that. But I get extremely awkward around him, and end up running out of the office and not saying anything. I feel so weird. Sometimes I think if Tim and I were not so open, I might not be feeling so strange. Because if we didn't talk about how normal and natural attraction was, then I wouldn't think about it, and I'd just go with my accustomed reaction to hot men. But now, I'm thinking about how it's fine for me to act like I normally do, but since I'm thinking about it, I jinx myself and start acting awkward.

Man alive. I think too much.


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