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Thursday, January 27, 2005

I want a friend

Tomorrow, there's a chance I may see a woman I want to be my new best friend. I've only seen her twice, and talked to her once. She just seems like someone I would be friends with. I talked to her November-ish at the last Task Force against Domestic Violence monthly meeting that we both attend. And there's another meeting tomorrow.

It takes a lot for me to just strike up a conversation with a stranger (if I already have something invested in the conversation, like, say, I think the person is cool and want to get to know them), but I knew she worked at the rape crisis center, and I had an issue to talk about with one of their employees. So I figured it would be a good start. Of course, I forgot to ask her name, or introduce myself, so I am a bonehead.

I hate being in the vulnerable position of thinking someone is cool, and wanting to be their friend. Or even worse, really wanting and needing friends. It's always easier to strike up friendships when you don't actually need them.

So anyway, I've been giving quite a bit of thought to possibly seeing her tomorrow, and how to not-at-all awkwardly say, "hey, I'm new to the city; you seem cool; want to get a drink sometime?" I hate how much thought I'm giving it. It makes me feel a little sick inside. It's enough to make me say, "Alright, already! I don't need a new friend badly enough to feel so gross about how much I'm thinking and planning what I'm going to say."

Except that I do need friends. I think lack of friends is the last thing that's keeping me from being really happy here.

I hate making new friends. I'm so bad at it. It's like having to ask out a new guy, except that it's more stressful. I never had a problem asking guys out. With girls, if I think they are cool, it suddenly becomes vitally important that they think I'm cool in return, (but I never actually believe people value me like that) so I psyche myself out of exploring potentially wonderful new friendships.

I hate this about myself. I don't understand how I could have self-confidence about everything in my life but my personality. I feel like it's something I could talk about for years in therapy (and I have before), yet not change about myself.


Blogger joolz said...

LE, I think you two will totally hit it off. That sounds like the perfect opening line.

I'll be thinking about you, lovely.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

She probably thinks you're cool, too. Just let it happen. Mention a movie you want to see, or a resturant you want to try. Then just say, "Wanna go?" I know I would jump at the opportunity. I wish you lived here.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

I know exactly what you mean. When I moved
to NJ I had a really hard time meeting people. It's hard to figure out how to ask someone to hang out without sounding desperate or like you're hitting on them.
Good Luck!

6:32 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:33 AM  
Blogger LE said...

I did it!!!

Well, sort of. I struck up a conversation after the meeting, and asked her about the area, and we talked about cool places to go around here. As I suspected, she has exactly the tastes I do.

I couldn't figure out how to work in a "we should hang out" and then this other woman at the meeting came up to talk to us, so that's all that happened.

But when we were leaving, she said, "good to see you again," so at the next meeting, I think I'll feel comfortable talking more.


7:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Charity here.
I totally know how you feel. Sometimes I really do think I try too hard with someone I really like. Sometimes I feel like a freak when I care too much about it all. Pure silliness really, i mean, if someone wants to be my friend they will and I should just let it happen and not worry about it. But I just have this thing in me where i just SO want everyone to like me! Where does this low self-esteem, or whatever it is, come from??

Oh, I can't wait till you guys make it out here to the mountains!!! I miss you and we need to live closer!

12:36 PM  
Blogger ribs said...

You are a SCREAM! I am new to this and looking through other people posts, when I stumbled onto yours. Isn't it nice to just let it all out? I'm glad to see you made the effort and got good feedback. Like one of your other friends here, I lived in New Jersey until just recently, and could relate to the difficultly of making friends there. But now, here I am in Tennessee and am finding making friends is still hard. So I am consoling myself with "online" friends for now. Just keep trying, thats the important thing. Its kinda funny how when you meet a new "potential" anything, friend, man, fellow sufferer, whatever, how your mind starts to doodle with the what ifs of it all. You'd think we were all 10 years old or something. But so what? If we're all doing it, then so is the rest of the world. We can take comfort in not being the only freaks at the "freakshow". Thank God for that! I'm unique, just like everyone else! ROFL!

10:26 AM  

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