I want a friend
It takes a lot for me to just strike up a conversation with a stranger (if I already have something invested in the conversation, like, say, I think the person is cool and want to get to know them), but I knew she worked at the rape crisis center, and I had an issue to talk about with one of their employees. So I figured it would be a good start. Of course, I forgot to ask her name, or introduce myself, so I am a bonehead.
I hate being in the vulnerable position of thinking someone is cool, and wanting to be their friend. Or even worse, really wanting and needing friends. It's always easier to strike up friendships when you don't actually need them.
So anyway, I've been giving quite a bit of thought to possibly seeing her tomorrow, and how to not-at-all awkwardly say, "hey, I'm new to the city; you seem cool; want to get a drink sometime?" I hate how much thought I'm giving it. It makes me feel a little sick inside. It's enough to make me say, "Alright, already! I don't need a new friend badly enough to feel so gross about how much I'm thinking and planning what I'm going to say."
Except that I do need friends. I think lack of friends is the last thing that's keeping me from being really happy here.
I hate making new friends. I'm so bad at it. It's like having to ask out a new guy, except that it's more stressful. I never had a problem asking guys out. With girls, if I think they are cool, it suddenly becomes vitally important that they think I'm cool in return, (but I never actually believe people value me like that) so I psyche myself out of exploring potentially wonderful new friendships.
I hate this about myself. I don't understand how I could have self-confidence about everything in my life but my personality. I feel like it's something I could talk about for years in therapy (and I have before), yet not change about myself.