Massive guilt

I found myself with the pedal to the floor on the drive home, I was so stressed out. A truck with no muffler, loudly gunning it, dodged and swerved past me. His license plate? "BUBBA 4." And I had to remind myself to breathe deeply and try to relax, otherwise I wouldn't make it home alive.

I found out someone went back to her husband today, instead of going through with the divorce meeting I had set up for her at Legal Services; I told someone she needed to step up her personal hygiene and take a shower every day; I talked to a woman whose husband tackled her to the ground and tried to suffocate her after she had him served with divorce papers, saying, "Why are you doing this? I love you!"; and when I was packing up my stuff to leave for the day, I got a call straight to my phone instead of the crisis line from a woman whispering, "He's right outside. I'm scared for my life." And I had to advise her that I could do nothing--she had to call the crisis line, not me.

So when the crisis line staff tried to put her through to me a few seconds later, I said, "I'm not doing crisis calls right now. I'm leaving for the weekend." (Technically I wasn't. I had put in my shift earlier.) "Patch it through to [whoever]." It turned out whoever wasn't available--though I knew at least three other people were still there who should have been able to take the call.

(Sometimes I wonder if intake just automatically calls me if they can't reach the person who should be doing crisis calls. I think I'm the only one who ever lets them know about shift changes, and if I pick up someone else's shift. So maybe now I've painted myself into a "responsible" corner and they lean on me extra because they know they can count on me to pick up others' slack.)

But by that point, I slipped out. I was due leaving early today because of extra work the day before. But still. In my haste--and stress--I forgot to get some antibacterial soap for the woman who needs to shower more often. And after stressing quite a bit the importance of showering every day, I feel like that was a big fuck-up on my part.

So despite a gin and tonic and mediocre sushi with Tim and two of his favorite cast mates, I still feel kind of sick that I left things that way. That I ran out and dumped things on co-workers. That I forgot to give something important to someone in need. That I was irresponsible, and worked by the clock instead of by the need. I know it's going to eat away at me all weekend so I can't relax or stop thinking about it, until Monday, when I come back to yet another crisis.